Seeking Happiness: Part I

I'm forty one years old. You would think by now I would be comfortable in my skin, looking at my body. I want to be. I desire the peace that comes from the who gives a damn- and if you do- what's wrong with you? attitude.

I've gained fifteen pounds over the last two years and I am really hating it. While I still maintain what IS considered to be a healthy weight, why do I look so different than I did fifteen pounds ago? Why on earth does that amount of weight make such a huge difference in how I look and feel? Why is this so taboo to talk about in the open as opposed to in private with just a close friend- or a weight counselor? Because it's humiliating, duh.

Well, now that we have facebook where people post pictures of you, whether you like them or not... the topic seems to be open, like it or not. I might as well acknowledge how I feel about my body in the open. I'm not trying to pretend I'm happy about how I look when I'm not. There's nothing wrong with those pictures, only that sometimes they're less than flattering. I know I have the option of removing the "tag" so others don't have access to the image, but so far, I haven't. I just keep telling myself I should be proud of my body. Yes, I'm curvy- some people say it's a classic beauty- but is that a good thing in a not so classic climate?

My every intention is to take that extra fifteen pounds off. How I do it is another story. I think about weight watchers and the cost involved- but it worked last time so it sounds reasonable to me. Still, at my income, it's hard to justify paying anything (which brings up another conundrum- when do I get something for ME in this economy? I'm tired of sending everything I make away to the bill collectors and not catching my breath in time for the next round). I'll continue to try to solve that dilemma while working on the one which is the main focus here- my "curves." I have books to read like "YOU! On a diet" by Dr. Oz- which I've begun and was thoroughly bored with after the first chapter. *yawn*

I know excercise and eating healthier is the key. I think most people do. It's a matter of flipping the switch that controls the diet center in my brain but somehow- I have to find it. I feel like the Dad from "A Christmas Story" who has too many plugs in the outlet and I need to sort through which plug is which, or which switch it is that makes me clear headed and determined enough to set and follow a plan that helps me to lose weight- when all my other plugs are sucking up the energy it takes to just exist.

Well, I don't have the answers, but I am thinking about it. I don't like the way I feel. I don't like the way my body looks. I really feel like the only way I look beautiful is to be thinner- and there's something about me, like it or not, that likes to be beautiful in as many ways as I can be- physical included- even if not perfect. I can be better.

When I got so skinny a few years ago it was due to medication, primarily, but also more excercise and a healthy brain. I was excited to learn, happy about my Gaelic, and I had - not only dreams - but real life goals that were going to take me to a place that my dreams were made of.
The economy crashed that idea for now. I will never take it off my radar, however. If I live to be seventy and able, I will still want to go overseas to finish what I started with the language.

So I think that's where I look to begin this fight with the fifteen pounds. I need to find that elusive switch in my brain that gives me hope. I need something that I love so much as the gaelic did that makes me feel happy and whole. Right now, I don't have that. I'm settling for something else because my body's time clock says I can't wait until I can afford to go overseas and follow my dreams to make a living. I'm running out of time and I have to do something just to survive. Everything is lack luster in comparison, but maybe I can find something beautiful outside of my career. Making art is the closest I have come, along with writing my stories. If I can remove some of the stressers in my life, I will feel more apt along those lines as well. I think excercise is the answer there. It will help to remove the major stressers that paralyze me every single day and cloud up my thinking, thereby, allowing me to produce more work that I feel is worthy of me.

So there it is. Excercise. If I find happiness I will lose weight, and also if I excercise I will remove the horrible stress that fogs up my abililty to think clearly in doing what makes me most happy, which is my creative work. I will be improving my mind's ability to find that hope that makes me determined to lose that fifteen pounds. Wish me luck.